8 Edison kinetoscope films

"The Kiss" (short), 1896. A couple kisses. Directed by William Heise. From a play by John J. McNally. Starring May Irwin & John C. Rice.

Concept: 3/4 (Good)
Story: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Characters: 3/4 (Good). Who'd have thought you could fit so much character into 15 seconds of pantomime?
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 2/4 (Indifferent). I don't think any of these kinetoscopes can get a "good" rating in pacing.
Cinematography: 3/4 (Good)
Special effects/design: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Acting: 4/4 (Great). Until reading the IMDb trivia, I hadn't thought these were actors.
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 7/10 (Good, 3/4)
Objective Rating (Average): 2.7/4 (Good)

"Serpentine Dances" (short), 1895. A woman dances. Directed by William K.L. Dickson & Heise. Starring Annabelle Moore.

Concept: 3/4 (Good)
Story: 0/4 (Terrible)
Characters: n/a
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 1/4 (Bad)
Cinematography: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Special effects/design: 3/4 (Good)
Acting: n/a
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 4/10 (Eh, 2/4). The term "dances" is used loosely.
Objective Rating (Average): 1.9/4 (Eh)

"Sandow (The Strong Man)" (short), 1896. A man strikes poses. Written & directed by Dickson. Starring Eugen Sandow.

Concept: 0/4 (Terrible)
Story: 0/4 (Terrible)
Characters: n/a
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 1/4 (Bad)
Cinematography: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Special effects/design: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Acting: n/a
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 3/10 (Bad, 1/4). Would it kill him to lift something heavy? What kind of lame-ass strong man doesn't have feats of strength?
Objective Rating (Average): 1.1/4 (Bad)

"Glenroy Brothers (Comic Boxing)" (short), 1894. Two boxers tap each other. Starring the Glenroy brothers.

Concept: 3/4 (Good)
Story: 0/4 (Terrible)
Characters: 0/4 (Terrible)
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 1/4 (Bad)
Cinematography: 1/4 (Bad)
Special effects/design: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Acting: 0/4 (Terrible)
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 3/10 (Bad, 1/4). I couldn't even tell it was supposed to be funny. They just sort of stand there.
Objective Rating (Average): 1.1/4 (Bad)

"Cockfight" (short), 1894. A cockfight. Directed by Dickson.

Concept: 0/4 (Terrible). Not cool, 1890s, not cool.
Story: 0/4 (Terrible)
Characters: n/a
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 1/4 (Bad)
Cinematography: 1/4 (Bad)
Special effects/design: 1/4 (Bad)
Acting: n/a
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 3/10 (Bad, 1/4)
Objective Rating (Average): 0.9/4 (Very bad)

"The Barber Shop" (short), 1894. A barber gives a shave. Directed by Dickson & Heise.

Concept: 0/4 (Terrible)
Story: 0/4 (Terrible)
Characters: 0/4 (Terrible)
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 1/4 (Bad)
Cinematography: 1/4 (Bad)
Special effects/design: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Acting: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 3/10 (Bad, 1/4). The first in everybody's favorite genre: the Shaving Film.
Objective Rating (Average): 1.0/4 (Bad)

"Feeding the Doves" (short), 1896. A woman throws food to pigeons. Directed by James H. White.

Concept: 1/4 (Bad)
Story: 0/4 (Terrible)
Characters: n/a
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 1/4 (Bad)
Cinematography: 1/4 (Bad)
Special effects/design: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Acting: 0/4 (Terrible)
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 3/10 (Bad, 1/4)
Objective Rating (Average): 1.0/4 (Bad)

"Seminary Girls" (short), 1897. A teacher breaks up a pillow fight. Directed by White.

Concept: 3/4 (Good)
Story: 1/4 (Bad)
Characters: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Dialog: n/a
Pacing: 1/4 (Bad)
Cinematography: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Special effects/design: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Acting: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Music: 2/4 (Indifferent)
Subjective Rating: 4/10 (Eh, 2/4)
Objective Rating (Average): 1.9/4 (Eh)

With the exception of "The Kiss," these are more like items in a time capsule than films. And even though most of them are crap, they're surprisingly entertaining to watch. It probably doesn't hurt that they're not more than a few seconds of crap each.